Self-belief and how to find it

I might not be doing everything right but I'm pretty sure I'm not doing anything wrong.

My mum came up with that. She's the first person I go to for advice and recently, I've needed a little bit more help than usual. I'll be completely honest in saying I'm struggling with what to do next. The plan by now was to have a steady part time job alongside my music so that I could still have time to perform, continue to record and eventually release something. But my mind is over sensitive and for every unsuccessful job application I've had came yet another stab at my already low self-esteem. This has affected my motivation and contributed to a delightful spout of writer's block. The time spent in my bedroom has increased dramatically and although on the surface I have kept busy, deep down I was seriously debating my choices with music.

I need to be busy to be healthy. I've said previously how I enjoy progress as it keeps my head on track. One thing I've learned about focusing on music this year is that I have to be the one to motivate myself. I'm not the best at doing that though. Like most people, I struggle with self belief and I can't help but pause before the first hurdle is even in view. I battle with myself everyday. There is a part of me that is completely focused and knows exactly what it needs to do next. It wants to write and record, release music and build more as an artist. It wants to reach out to venues and ask to perform without being conscious of being a nuisance. It's the person I strive to be but in reality, I am the other part of me. The part that gets nervous speaking to new people, who feels that success won't come so they might aswell just give up now. It's the part that prevents me from applying for jobs and festivals because it knows that I won't get it anyway.

So I've done something about it. I'm going to uni.

Before you say anything, I know I dedicated a whole blog explaining why I wasn't going to university but hear me out. I've had a whole year out of education and my attitude towards it has changed completely. College left me drained and I needed a break. I felt pressured to make a final decision and I panicked. But now I'm going to uni with a fresh head and actually going because I want to. I'm not filled with dread whenever I think about it. All I'm thinking about is the positives. Also I'm staying at home so no homesickness. Bonus!

I now have the chance to build myself without the pressure of needing to earn something. I am so glad that I've taken a gap year though. I genuinely believe I wouldn't have been offered half the opportunities I've had if I had gone to uni earlier. I've learned some valuable lessons and gained some amazing experience. Travelling to London to perform, heading over to Nashville. I have to remind myself that I'm not the same person as I was this time last year. I've grown a lot (metaphorically of course). I'm ready to learn even more and to be honest, I'm so excited. And at the end of it, I might have found some self-belief.

Apologies for being quiet. I've been in a spell of crisis which I'm still repairing from. But I'm feeling good.

It's all good.