It's the annual recap blog...
I'm terribly forgetful.
2018, you have been a rather interesting year. The highs have been incredible and the inevitable lows have been a struggle. I can't begin to describe how much I've learned about myself so I thought it might be a good idea to have a little look at this year to see what I've been up to. Some of these things may not seem too special but they're things that I'm proud of. So here is me ramble...
I quit my job. Had an insane first gig at The Cock and Magpie. Uploaded two new songs on Youtube (that I'm still really proud of wow). Played with a new band at BIMM's end of term gig and didn't throw up from nerves. Travelled to London to play two gigs without completely freaking out. Actually got some decent photos of me playing live. Conquered a self made fear to go busking. Played some toones on Black Country Radio and recently went back for another interview. Won a Battle of the Bands...still don't quite know what happened there. Started university. Made friends at university. Played bass live. Well, tried to play bass live. Got a first in my first assignment. Got a strike in bowling. Had more than double the amount of gigs from last year. Written some of my most personal songs that I'm incredibly proud of. Performed at some amazing places, my favourites being St George's Hall, Thimblemill Library, Green Note, Patrick Kavangh, Gather Dudley CIC, Mello Festival, The JamHouse, The Night Owl, The Robin 2, The Old Greyhound, The Birch and Stock Folk Club, The Oil Basin, Malvern Autumn Show, The Marrs Bar and Tower of Song. And those are my highlights. But there's one more thing I want to talk about though, something that's been on my mind this past year. This bit isn't so positive.
“How haven’t you been spotted yet?”
I hear this a lot from people. It’s a massive compliment and I am always grateful that people genuinely believe I could be successful doing music. As much as I thank people for this comment, a hateful thought looms over me like an impossible deadline. Why have I not been spotted yet? Am I not good enough? From my perspective, I'm nothing special. There is an abundance of people who can write better than me, perform better than me. No one searches for mediocre these days so why would I ever be noticed?
I can't even begin to describe how much I appreciate the support from you guys. I would be nowhere near where I am today if it wasn’t for such kind people around me. That question however is a constant reminder that I must not be doing so well after all. With that particular thought repeating itself daily, I’ll prevent myself from becoming excited about new things. I don’t push myself in the same way nowadays because I don’t believe there is any point to it. I won’t get anywhere. I never want to regret going into music but this mental strain is exhausting. I crave genuine positivity, a sense that I’m actually heading somewhere. Feeling unfulfilled and disappointed with myself, I shrug it off, go to bed and repeat the next day, feeling exactly the same.
But looking back on my year, I'm quite emotional. I've done things I would never imagine doing and met people who have changed my mindset for the better. So for that, thank you. Thank you to anyone who has ever come along to a gig or bought an EP. To anyone who has even liked a post or sent over a positive message. To my family and friends for keeping me stable and continuing to encourage me with this messy journey I'm on.
And to 2019, I ask one favour. Help me grow. Let me tear away from destructive habits and allow myself to move forward. Inspire and captivate me. And above all else, let me be content. I do not want to be fearful anymore.
